According to behavior scientists, during face-to-face conversations, 5% of our message is verbal, 38% vocal (including tone of voice), while 55% is non-verbal - through gestures. By that they mean we communicate with our bodies in the form of gestures. Everybody communicates using these gestures and if you understand the gestures and their meaning you will be in a position to read people and know what they are really communicating to you. One researcher went as far as to say that we speak to hide what's on our minds. But gestures cannot lie.
Here is a guide to the main gestures and their meaning.
Palm, hand and arm gestures: An open palm facing upwards or away from the body indicates honesty and openness, as used by footballers and my cat. Every time footballers trip an opponent, they raise their hands, with open palms facing the referee as if to say, 'I didn't touch him.' When I walk into my bedroom, my cat jumps on the bed, rolls on its back and stretches out its front feet. Like the human animal, she's telling me, 'I want to play and mean no harm, look I'm even exposing my chest and stomach.' By contrast, when the palm turns towards the body or faces downwards, it's a sign of reasserting or assuming authority. But if you ask a work colleague to lend you a report while your palm faces the floor he'll frown at your arrogance. And if you combine it with a pointing fore-finger, he will feel intimidated, as the pointed finger symbolizes a stick beating him into submission. Many fights break out after someone jabs the air with a pointed finger at another person.
During handshakes the palm-up or palm-down positions also carry the same meaning. When one person grips the other person's hand with his hand on top, palm facing downwards, he is signaling his intention to dominate. And vice versa. But if both palms remain in a vertical position, both persons are putting each other on equal footing. Ever met someone who squashes your fingers? That's the 'tough man's' handshake. The politicians' handshake takes another form: he wraps your hand between his hands to give the impression of a warm and trustful personality. Beware of people who shake your hand in this way.
Another gesture that signals a confident and superior attitude is when someone cups both hands together behind his head. If you walk into your boss' office and he leans back in his chair and lifts both hands behind his head, he's telling you, "I'm smarter than you, I have all the answers."
Other superior gestures are thumb displays. Whether the thumb is hanging out of a pocket or standing out as your hands grip the opening of your coat, you're saying, "Look at me, I know it all."
Hand to face gestures: A friend was talking about her uncle's business in Australia. As she recounted how he generated millions, she lightly rubbed her nose with her fore-finger. That indicated she was exaggerating. In children this gesture is more obvious, covering their mouth with one hand to block the lie; the nose-touch version by adults is more refined.
"Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil," Allan Pease, in his book Body Language, captioned the hand-to-face gestures that are an attempt to block deceit.
My friend, besides rubbing her nose, also rubbed her eyes, which is an attempt by the brain to avoid looking into my eyes when lying. Another gesture having the same meaning is the ear rub, the hear-no-evil gesture. Note that these gestures are used both to block what another person is saying or what the person doing the gestures is saying.
Everyone recognizes the boredom gesture and you may even remember it from your schooldays, when your hand supported your face on the desk as you strained to keep your eyelids open. But don't confuse it with the interested evaluation gesture, when a closed hand with the index finger pointing upwards rests beneath the cheek. Notice this in a meeting when someone springs an interesting idea. If the idea is a bit far-fetched, however, observe the listeners shift their thumb underneath their chin, showing critical evaluation. Then, when the chairperson asks for comments on the idea, most members will start stroking their chin with their fore-finger and thumb, indicating they are making a decision.
Arm and leg barricades: We cross our arms and legs to shield our body in hostile situations. In demonstrations the police stand in a line with their arms crossed, clenching their fists beneath their armpits. Crossing arms is a defensive stance adopted by people when surrounded by strangers who are too close for comfort, such as in queues, trains and elevators.
We use anything at hand as a shield, and not only when we face a tight corner, but also when we are unsure of ourselves - in parties or public places for example. In a party someone who's just been introduced to a group of strangers may play with the cuff of his shirt, forming an arm barrier. Then, as that person begins to relax, his hands will drop to his sides and he lifts his head, showing that he now feels comfortable.
When two people gaze into each other's eyes for more than two-thirds of the time they face each other, it means one of two things: they're either interested in each other, or one of them is hostile to the other and the gaze is a non-verbal challenge. In fact, if you stare at a strange dog for a long time, he/she will feel threatened and attacks you or retreats. We react in the same way.
To decipher gestures correctly, put each gesture in context. It's easy to jump to conclusions. If someone is standing outside with his hands and arms crossed, the reason may be because he is cold not defensive. Don't look at isolated gestures. Gestures often occur in clusters, one following the other, each one reinforcing a particular attitude. Skeptics sometimes claim that they, for example, cross their arms and legs for comfort not defense or to argue. But if they observe themselves closely, they would be surprised to discover that their gestures are a carbon copy of their feelings, as described above.
To learn to decode gestures, the key is to watch yourself first, to spot the link between your gestures and your thoughts. Then start observing others, looking for the motive behind the gestures. |
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